Dropping the bomb

Okay, I gotta make this one quick...  I am sorry to tell most of y'all this way, but The Ottenbergs are leaving Seneca.  After one of my more colorful episodes (I dropped the f bomb when Geoff's boss asked me a question about his job), Geoff has been transferred to Atlanta.  Yeah, for Geoff.  He really wanted this job, but didn't get it originally. Then his current boss was like, "we need to get rid of that lady."

Now, we are in full on panic mode.  After Geoff did not get the job, we had resigned ourselves to staying in Seneca until his 7 years were up.  I signed up to be room parent for Maia's class, agreed to teach science through May, etc...  But, it was not to be.   We are likely going to be out of here by the end of January.

So, please bear with us.  And if you know anyone interested in a 3/2 on the Clemson/Seneca perimeter, send them my way.

I shall end on a self deprecating note:  Geoff to Maia: What is black and white and waddles? Maia: Mommy in that dress.  Bazinga!

On Target

The floor has never let me down

Hi, my name is Misty and I am a Target addict.  With that in mind, I hit up websites that resell gift cards after Christmas time and buy my Target cards cheap.  Yeah me!  But you aren't here for my stories of frugality...

It was a day like any other day.  A trip to the Children's Museum, fine food at Papas & Beer (you really should check it out), and Target.  Well, maybe it was a lot of walking.  Anywho...  After buying up a quarter of the store, I go to check out.  I hand the cashier a stack of gift cards to pay, not quite sure how much is on each card, thinking I would zero out the balances.  Well, the first card covered my purchases (about $200).  Curious, the cashier decides to check the balance on the remaining cards.  The last card has about $1000 on it.  Overjoyed by my luck of having wealthy benefactors, the lady exuberantly pushes my right shoulder and says, "You go girl!"  This is simple act sends me flying to the ground.  Maia stands up in the cart and yells, "You pushed down my Mommy!"  I scramble to my feet trying to assure the cashier and others in line that I was fine and no foul occurred.  I wanted to sarcastically say that that wasn't the type of balance check I was looking forward to.  Instead, we left right away.

No stranger to making a fool of myself (read some of my other posts), I had to return to the scene of the crime.  Okay, so it took me about a month to work up the nerve, but the point is: I went back.  Plus, there was an addiction to attend to.  I was somewhat worried when I didn't see that particular cashier on my first few return visits, but I can happily report that Sally has returned to her post.  Still, I avoided her line.

My Husband Thinks I am an Asshole

 

I lack a filter.   I say whatever I want without regard to the audience. This has gotten worse since we have moved to South Carolina.  I have been known to praise Obama in a crowded theater, say Goddammit in a church, and have even managed to say "Fuck yeah," to the pastor at my child's preschool.  And I only become more gregarious when you add alcohol.  But all in fun!

So...  Yesterday I found myself rocking on a friend's dock giggling with others.  The hostess kept my glass full and the kids were rollicking in the lake.  There were a couple of people present that I didn't know, but they were nice enough.  Somehow, I am not sure how, I started talking about a surgeon (I did say his name) who was pushing for a surgery I didn't want.  To get him to back off I said, "I know you, your wife, AND your mistress- you are not going to force me into this. And if you keep trying I will be talking to your wife."   Well, there was a nice gentleman sitting next to me who promptly got up and excused himself.  It turns out, his wife was one of the doctor's mistresses and they are trying to work it out.

I feel like such crap.  As outspoken as I am, I can't stand the idea of hurting someone's feelings.  I want to track him down and apologize, but that would only make the situation worse.  So, I look to my husband to make me feel better.  His response?  "You are such an asshole."

Physical Failings

This week Maia has dance camp.  Of all her activities, dancing is by far her favorite.  Thanks to the closed door policy of her dance school (urgh!) and her goofy 5 year old antics, I have no idea how graceful she is in class.  I do, however know that I took out the sidewalk in front of all the other dance moms.  So, graceful did not come from me.

I don't know if it is the five year in her or what, but if one little thing goes wrong, the whole day is ruined.  After picking her up from camp, I learned that dance class was just HORRIBLE.  She didn't win any of the games and I had failed to teach her how to jump rope or run fast.  Whoa Buckeroo, back up the bus.  Damn, I see another layer of her mommy complex forming. 

I realize all parent have shortcomings, no matter their physical limitations, so how does one overcome them?  We have a jump rope and yes she does suck at it, but trust me: I am not a good role model in this arena.  By the way, don't ask me to hula hoop either.  I think, at least in this regard, it will take a village.

Happy Fourth of July

Maia running after lighting fireworks with Geoff

I watch my Maia’s eyes light up at the mere mention of fireworks.  With her excitement, I am transported back to my own childhood and the Fourth of July.  Beach side fireworks lighting up the sky, igniting my imagination. As I got older, that imagination led to innovation.  Hours were spent trying to figure out how to create the perfect bottle rocket cannon to shoot tiny projectiles across the pond to (or at) neighbors as they aimed their creations in our direction.  I wouldn’t dream of allowing my daughter to do the same, but the world of 20 years ago seemed so different, so carefully and maybe reckless.

When did I grow up?  How did this evolution happen?  Those carefree and muggy South Florida days seem like yesterday and like eons ago.   I have vivid memories of wolfing down charred hot dogs and hamburgers so I wouldn’t miss a moment of the action.  I had to prove that the only girl (and kid with Cerebral Palsy) in the neighborhood could triumph.  I may not have had their physical prowess, but I could certainly out engineer them.  Fourth of July afforded me the opportunity to showcase my talents (built with copious amounts of my father’s help).  I quickly learned to appreciate the beauty of simplicity.    Trust me, a length of PVC pipe with a cap on the base is an effective bottle rocket launcher.  With age, I often find myself in a self-made quagmire of complexities and wonder where I lost Occam’s razor along the way. 

As my daughter grows older, I want her to cherish the simple joys in life.  For me, Fourth of July was a great evening spent with family and friends.  I don’t remember the clothes I wore or the cars people drove, but I do remember how everyone let loose and enjoyed the finer things in life, no matter how simple.

Getting into gear

• Little known Misty fact:  I love bicycle riding.  If you see me in the gym, chances are I am on a bike (or bellied up to the smoothie bar).  
• Well known Misty fact:  I have NO balance.  You can breathe on me and I will dramatically fall to the ground, taking many breakable things down with me.

This just doesn't cut it anymore

Hence the dilemma:  How does a person with no balance, but an overabundance of pride and ego realize the joys of bike riding?  Add to that the issue of not having a bike friendly neighborhood, one finds that tricycles aren't really an option because you can't just throw them on a bike rack and go.  And speaking of throwing it on the bike rack:  while I often amaze (or creep out) with my upper body strength, I have to be able to place a bicycle gently onto my car without damaging the bike, the car, or myself.

Luckily for me: I married an engineer. Now I would never dream of asking Geoff to put together a child's toy, but I think he could totally rock something without directions. But I have been able to find some ingenious options like this Gavin Smith concept: 

Here is what I vaguely requested (of anyone who will listen):

I am pretty sure that I can ride a two wheeled bike- once I get my balance.  I think I may be able to stop unscathed (though disembarking is risky).  So I need stabilizers, but don't want permanent training wheels.   I want a bike with training wheels that will magically disappear when I get my balance (I am willing to press a button).

Please pass this along because I need more ideas.  Maia really loves her bike and I'd love to be able to take her out (Running is not an option).

Help make my mommy as cute as me

The Cutest Dramatist...

So as I type, Maia is playing her heart out.  But, alas just a few short minutes ago, she was beside herself with grief and I really wasn't sure how to handle it.  It seems that she just noticed there is something wrong with me.  I think she has always recognized that my gait is different and that I require help walking sometimes, but she never equated that as aberrant.  I don't really know why today was any different: her friends have pointed out that I walk differently before or asked about the walker/crutches.

Of course there is no right way to handle this problem.  My solution (at least right now) is to keep her talking about her feelings, which at 5 are pretty hard for her to articulate.  My goal is to keep her talking so if there is something I can do, I will know. And as a parent, who wouldn't want to keep an open dialogue?

Lupus Awareness Month

May is Lupus Awareness Month

Here is a fact sheet I snagged from the Lupus Research Institute  

Lupus Fact Sheet

Overview

• Lupus is a chronic, complex and prevalent autoimmune disease that affects more than 1.5 million Americans.
• Lupus is difficult to diagnose because its symptoms come and go, mimic those of other diseases, and there is no single laboratory test that can definitively identify the illness.
• Early detection and treatment is the key to a better health outcome and can usually lessen the progression and severity of the disease.

Mainly a Woman’s Disease

• Lupus is one of America’s least recognized major diseases. While lupus is widespread, awareness and accurate knowledge about it is lacking.
• More than 90% of lupus sufferers are women, mostly young women between the ages of 15 to 44.
• Women of color are two to three times more at risk for lupus than Caucasians.

Serious Consequences

• In lupus, the immune system, which is designed to protect against infection, creates antibodies that attack the body’s own tissues and organs — the kidneys, brain, heart, lungs, blood, skin, and joints.
• Lupus is a leading cause of premature cardiovascular disease, kidney disease and stroke among young women.

Three Types of Lupus

Although "lupus" is used as a broad term, there are several different types of lupus: systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE), cutaneous affecting only the skin and drug-induced lupus triggered by a few medications.

• Systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE) is the form of the disease that most people refer to when they say “lupus.”  The word “systemic” means the disease can affect many parts of the body — including the kidneys, brain or central nervous system, blood and blood vessels, skin, lungs, heart and joints. Skin involvement occurs in up to 80% of patients.

Under- and Mis-diagnosed

Lupus is very difficult to diagnose. No single test can definitively determine whether a person has lupus — but several laboratory tests of blood and urine along with clinical assessment can help make a diagnosis.
Signs and symptoms that suggest systemic lupus include:

• Painful or swollen joints
• Fingertips and/or toes become pale or purple from the cold or stress
• Sores in the mouth or nose
• Low blood count
• Red rash or color change on the face, across the cheek or bridge of nose
• Unexplained fever for several days
• Chest pain associated with breathing
• Protein in the urine
• Extreme fatigue — feeling tired all the time
• Sensitivity to the sun
• Depression, trouble thinking, and/or memory problems
• Unusual hair loss, mainly on the scalp

Difficult to Treat

• Lupus is usually treated by a rheumatologist who specializes in treating diseases that affect the joints, muscles and bones. Specific manifestations of lupus, such as heart and kidney disease, may be treated by other types of physicians specializing in that field.
• Since lupus is highly individualized, and no two cases are exactly alike, the treatment also varies depending on the symptoms and needs of the patient.
• Anti-inflammatory drugs, anti-malarials, and steroids, such as prednisone, are used to treat lupus. Cytotoxic chemotherapies similar to those given in the treatment of cancer are also used to suppress the immune system in lupus patients.

Reason to Hope

• While there are no known root causes or cure, the progress of recent discoveries and treatments in development is encouraging.
• In addition to funding studies paving the way for treatments to suppress the disease, the Lupus Research Institute initiated the Distinguished Innovators initiative to support research specifically aimed at finding the causes of lupus and driving towards prolonged drug-free remission — a cure.

Disabled Diva's Product Shout out

*** This is a pseudo-unpaid endorsement (In fact, I am only paid to shut up most of the time)***

One working hand, and shoulder length hair.  What's a girl to do when she wants a sleek look? Well, I happened across the Infintipro Spin Air Rotating Styler by Conair (I linked to Amazon because they sell them in all sorts of colors).  Hot damn!  No need for trying to wield a round brush and a blow dryer in my right hand.  No more trying to keep my balance while with my head flipped. Volume! Sleek!  I am so happy.
Does this mean I won't look disheveled all the time?  Probably not, but at least I'll have a choice.  Yeah, yeah, yeah...  I know a before and after would have helped, but I couldn't take an un-cheesy photo.

The Five Dollar Plan

As a stay at home mom that fails miserably at housekeeping and once was known throughout the land for her financial acumen, you'd think I'd have our family's finances locked up.  I am here to admit, that I have not achieved as admirably as I had hoped.

Coupons
I was once really addicted to couponing.  It was such a high to walk out of the grocery store with 8 bags of groceries for next to nothing.  It became a full on addiction.  For one thing, you had to keep shopping to get those discounts. And at a certain point, you just become inundated with crap.  Sure, I made a couple of runs to our local homeless shelters, but enough is enough people.  
As a tree hugger, I found couponing didn't suit my families needs.  Well, let me rephrase that: "My husband is more than happy to use sulfate laden products, but I am so crazy, I hear orangutans cry as I rinse the shampoo down the drain."  So, we are slowly depleting our stockpile, and I am improving my shower arias.  In the meantime, I am keeping my eyes out for good deals to be had in the "green" beauty care sector.

Gardening
Although Geoff may be content to eat boxed foods with pink slime, I prefer more unprocessed foods. I prefer to eat more veggies, especially locally grown. That can be expensive.  But, oh well.  To offset the cost, we garden.  I love to garden, but this clay soil and the upkeep have been the death of me.  Geoff likes pretty, he doesn't care about veggies unless they add value to our house.  Geoff: "Misty, there are bugs on your squash.  I bought you kerosene or this ultra toxic bug spray."  Misty: " Geoff, I don't like using bug sprays.  Maia eats straight out of the garden."  Geoff: "Tell her not to."
Is it fair that I have these high standards and need Geoff's help?  No, but I do try to do all I can in this regard.  I don't have the ability to drag out the no kink hose.  Those things have some serious heft to them, but that is Geoff's doing.  If we are going to buy something, it better work, and work well (often regardless of cost).  So, my logic is that if we must buy equipment I can't wield, I deserve his help.
***On a funny side note, Maia and I just planted lettuce, onions, and turnips in the front gardens much to Geoff's dismay.  Apparently, those aren't "landscaping" plants.  Pssshaa.  I do all the landscape design so he can bugger off.***

Five Dollar Plan
So this brings me to my most ridiculous savings plan to date.  I want to go on a vacation.  I want a new computer, Geoff needs a new car.  The list really does go on and on.  So, while I was tooling around on Pinterest one day, I saw a pin for the $5 plan.  Simply put, anytime you happen across a $5 bill, you set it aside. Reading through some of the comments gave me a chuckle because some poor saps were actually heralding this as their choice savings plan. I think it works great for vacations or splurge spending, but why would you not set aside x amount for emergencies?  What about retirement?  I guess for those "cash" families this might be the way to go, but I hardly come across a $5 bill.
That leads my funny story for the week.  Geoff, by the way, thinks this is a ridiculous way to save for anything and totally mocks me for it.  Yesterday morning, we pulled through Dunkin Donuts to get coffee (Yea, yea, yea: saving money my foot.  Well, we could have done worse, there is a Starbucks next door).  The total came to $5.94.  I gave Geoff $11 cash to pay the bill so I could get a crisp $5 bill back.  This amount so perplexed the cashier.  Needless to say, he handed Geoff the single back instantly and Geoff giggled all the way to our final destination.

5x7 Folded Card

Burst Raspberry 5x7 folded card

Mom. Dad. Kids. Christmas photo cards by Shutterfly.

View the entire collection of cards.

Mommy Down!!!

**Warning: This post may contain gratuitous references to horrible films and overuse of choice language**

Last night I was given all the proof I needed that my body shall be used for greater purposes than cleaning house.  As a family, we spent last weekend cleaning, organizing, and purging.  And for an entire week, I had the glorious splendor of a clean house with minimal obstacles.  But alas, it wasn't to last.

Maia had been left to her own devices and took the opportunity to DESTROY her room.  In my zeal to keep the house ship shape, I threw my back out.  I'm not exactly sure what that means, but one minute I'm doing my best Reese Witherspoon (ha!) "bend and snap" and the next I am face down in the carpet calmly whispering obscenities in a high octave.  "Shit! Damn! Fuck!"

Maia, or the pain whisper as I like to call her, took the opportunity to further spring her trap by running in at full speed and jumping on my back.  That girl is all elbows and knees, let me tell you.  She is so lucky I was immobilized.  By this time my survival instincts had kicked in and I scrambled out of there.  They can smell fear I tell you.

I feel better today, I am all knots and sore joints.  Still, I'm not bed ridden by any means.  But if it falls to the floor, I will just kick it out of my way...